Portland, OR- As only Team HP Chiro could, they released an unflinching press release designed to draw in unsuspecting readers. While some called the piece “fluff jounalism”, others looked deeper. In the pages of said press release readers found a recap of the team's achievements in 2008, a look forward to 2009, a tally of the team's riders, and a candid depiction of their sponsors.
The piece started with a gritty look at the team's new riders, including Oregon riders Patrick Marzullo, Jason Riffle, and Matt Willhite. Next, readers were reminded of the teams returning members – Aaron Coker, Seth Hosmer, Quinn Keogh, Kyle Valenta, and Donald Reeb. Also detailed in the report were the rigorous processes by which new members were selected. It was revealed that team riders endured grueling weekend group rides in Oregon's biting cold and rain, so called team building exercises, not unlike those practiced by Navy SEALS.
Upon reading the 2008 season recap, one reader stated, “I was so pumped to see the team take the Oregon TT and Pursuit titles, it was really a high point. I was blown away by all the road race wins... Amazing.” Another reader took a more authoritative stance, “Look, if you win that many races, that consistently, you have to win Best All-around Rider in the State, it's simple math. That's why HP Chiro won the Overall and Road titles, simple doggone math.” Looking forward, the report explicitly stated HP Chiro's intent to continue winning races across the Northwest in 2009.
The most chilling element of the press release was Hammer HEED. Details of the team riders' unabashed and consistent use the performance boosting beverage has raised eyebrows. One rider, speaking anonymously, stated, “I like the the lemon-lime flavor best. The unflavored is also great mixed with, you know, fruit juice.” Critics have called such wanton endorsement a conflict of interest. Refuting such claims, the team's high-cadence spin doctor, Quinn Keogh, stated, “Hammer Nutrition stands behind us, and we proudly stand behind Hammer Nutrition.”
It was not clear at the time of the press release whether the team's other sponsors – Health & Performance Chiropractic, Segal Bicycles, Alpine Mortgage, and Ironclad Performance Wear – would become embroiled in the dispute. It seems unlikely, however, as victories in the near future are expected to silence all critics.
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5 comments:
Quinn what exactly are you trying to say here? Sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo unless it's an inside joke.....
Mumbo jumbo indeed. A press release about a press release.
Hope you are still having fun over there... sounds like you are bored.
you may have a future in politics. . .
Quinn good stuff! Are you heading south for sun at any point? Ryan Air to Alicante for about $100.... if not you are way tougher than I am...shep
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